Bar Room Jokes: Session 1

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that it had been trained in a very unique way, being the donkey of a preacher. The only way to make the donkey move forward was to say “Hallelujah!” and the only way to make it stop was to say “Amen!” The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher’s instructions. “Hallelujah!” shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. “Amen!” shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. With a “Hallelujah,” he rode off, very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon, he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. “Stop!” said the man. “Halt!” he cried. But he donkey just kept going. “Oh, no…Bible! Church! Please stop!” shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. “Please, dear Lord, please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain. In Jesus’ name, Amen.” The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff. Ecstatic with the miracle, the man then shouted, “Hallelujah!”

Three men came across a female genie, who promised to grant each one a wish. “Make me 25 percent smarter!” said the first man. The genie blinked, and the man said, “Hey, I feel smarter already!” The second man said, “I wish I were 50 percent smarter!” The genie blinked, and the man exclaimed, “That’s wonderful! I think I know things now that I didn’t know before!” “I’d like to be 100 percent smarter!” screamed the third man. The genie blinked, and the man became a woman.

Three priests died at the same time and went directly to Pearly Gates of Heaven. They were greeted by St. Peter. “All three of you have been very clean and honest in serving God in your previous lives,” he said. “But before anything else, I need to test how you can withstand temptation.” You must not have an erection in the test that I will give you. If you do, then our good friend down below will be more than willing to accept you as a welcome guest.” All three of them agreed. The first priest was tested. A very lovely, half-naked lady appeared in front of him. She danced around the first priest in a very erotic manner. In just a short while, the priest felt stiffness in his manhood and could not stand the urge of an erection, and soon enough - poof! The first priest was gone. The second priest was next. A very lovely lady appeared, much lovelier than the first one and this time fully naked. She danced around him in a very erotic manner. After a while nothing changed; it seemed that the priest could withstand his urge. The girl slowly came to him and started licking his ears, his chest, then his manhood. Suddenly, he felt the stiffness of his cock and – poof! – down came the second priest. Now it was the third priest’s turn. A very lovely lady appeared in front of him, much lovelier than the previous two girls and also fully naked. She danced in very erotic manner, but still nothing happened to the priest. After a while she kissed the priest, licked his ears, neck, chest and cock. She sucked it hard hoping he’d have an erection, but to no avail. Moments passed and nothing happened, so St. Peter decided to stop the test. “That was a very good display of faith!” St. Peter said. “I must admit you have such a ton of courage to resist that urge. Since you passed the test you may now enter His kingdom.” And so St. Peter looked to find his key to the Pearly Gates. He realized that he had tucked it inside his white robe. He bended over and inserted his hand inside his long gown to reach for it and started to pull the key. In the process, the white robe was let open at the side exposing his long, white, and slender legs with dark curly hair all over. The robe was opened some more until St. Peter’s butt cheeks were now seen visibly by the priest. In an instant, the third priest was gone.

A husband and his wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40^th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold as Ever.’” “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff at Last.’”