Bar Room Jokes: Session 2

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by the woman’s mother, once arriving immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The priest noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head in approval and say something while whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head in distaste before mumbling a reply. Curios, the pastor later asked the farmer what it was all about. “The women were telling me, what a terrible tragedy, to which I would nod my head and say, yes it was. And the man?” inquires the priest. “They were all asking, you want to sell the mule? To which I would shake my head and say, I can’t. Its services are already booked for a year.”

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them plays as well as they would like, so they decide to take private lessons with a pro. The husband has his lesson first. The pro sees the husband’s swing and says, “No, no, no! You are gripping the club way too hard!” “What should I do?” asked the husband. “Hold the club gently,” replies the pro, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.” The husband takes the advice, takes a swing and - pow! – He hits the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, “No, no, no! You’re gripping the club way to hard.” “What should I do?” asked the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.” The wife follows the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and – thump! – The ball goes straight down the fairway about 35 feet. “That was great,” says the pro, “nice and gentle.” “Now try taking the club out of your mouth.”

While on his way to work one day a man meets an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. He stops and asks her what was wrong. “I have a 22 years old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee,” says the old lady. “Good for you! Then why are you crying?” asks the man again. “He also makes me homemade soup and my favorite brownies for lunch then makes love to me for half the afternoon,” continues the old lady. “That’s great. Why are you still crying?” “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2AM.” “Wow! So why in the world are you miserable?” asks the puzzled man. The old lady sighs, wipes tears of her face and looks at the man straight in the eyes before answering: “I can’t remember where I live!”

An accountant, a lawyer and a jeepney driver are standing side-by-side using the urinal inside a men’s room. The accountant finishes first, zips up and starts washing and literally scrubs his hands clear up to his elbows, using 20 paper towels before he finishes. The accountant turns to the other two men and says, “I graduated from Ateneo de Manila, where they taught us to be clean.” The lawyer finishes next, zips up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabs one paper towel and says, “I graduated from De La Salle University, where they taught us to be environmentally conscious.” The jeepney driver zips up, as he walk his way out the door, says, “I may have dropped out from the University of the Philippines, but they sure taught us not to piss on our hands.”